Coffee!

Quite possibly the most successful and influential drug on the planet. Everyone uses caffeine either intentionally, or untinentionally (as it is unavoidable in both our food and water supply), except maybe if you’re an Inuit or otherwise tribal barbarian living off of untouched natural resources. Even the sand people drink cofffee. Oh, and so do militant Islamists.

This stuff is so strong and so potent and so controlling that even in recovery groups where controlled substances are not permitted on premises regardless of legality (even prescription meds are supposed to be checked in with reception, even for 1 hour open groups), coffee is permitted. So are cigarettes, in fact, but that’s a different topic altogether. Plus, cigarettes benefit no one, except for Phillip Morris since their cigarette sales boosts their cessation-assistance sales. (Did you know that? Did you know that the same people selling cigarettes also sell patches and gum?)

I have been to AA meetings in rehab centers (well, one) where only decaf coffee was permitted. And for good reason. See, most of society has some level of tolerance for caffeine, it’s very hard to avoid altogether. Unless you’re fresh out of detox, son! Then you get the full effect of the world’s most powerful (arguably) stimulant!

Coffee also seems to be the ideal form to consume it. Any IBS from overconsumption is generally short-lived, if sometimes explosive. The day-long gut rot I get from drinking 6 energy drinks a day (which the label specifically says not to do) is far worse than the wakeup poop-spray my bottom produces early in the morning from half a pot of coffee.

Also, and maybe there’s some chemistry to support this, but I swear I don’t feel the instant buzz off energy drinks that I do from coffee. I can extend this to caffeine pills, as well, (which I no longer mess with, and recommend strongly against). Matter of fact I often drink an extra Rip-It in the morning before a short nap, which often results in me wanting to stay asleep. Possibly the sugar overload? Maybe playing on my genetic predisposition to diabetes? Maybe I should just stick to regular coffee.

A typical human, even an unhealthy one, usually won’t consume enough coffee at any given time to feel adverse or abnormal effect. A typical human will, however, vehemently profess that their beloved drink of choice is not a drug. The impact on one’s CNS and mood aside, what about the impact on one’s wallet? Graham Stephan might be fine with iced coffee for .17 cents, but a lot of you aren’t happy paying anything less than $7 for a cup of coffee that’s more sugar and cream than anything else.

Now, you can’t argue that better quality drugs require paying more money. But there is a point where you’re just getting ripped off. Coffee doesn’t get infinitely better with price. Same with vodka. Did you know that Smirnoff and Grey Goose are identical in almost every way, aside from the sourcing of raw materials and the location of their production facilities? You claim you can tell the difference, just like you claim you can tell the difference between Pepsi and Coke in a blind test. Spoiler alert, you can’t. They’re too similar.

So far, there isn’t much of a negative here. Sure, even for people helping to keep SBUX profitable, there isn’t much of a downside to spend $5 or more on something most of us can get for free at work. Sure, you lose a few bucks, but is it any different than a daily lunch from Subway, or a pack of smokes, or a six pack of Zima? Aside from Zima being too gay even for Broadway performers. Fact is, most of us need the empowerment of being able to purchase and consume stuff. Combined with the instant gratification of altering your physical/mental state of being, and coffee really can’t lose.

You can still lose, though. Not because of coffee, but because statistically speaking you were born to lose in life. You could alter your experience and make the conscious decision to be happy, but you won’t. In the meantime, grab another cup and finish getting ready for work.

Btw this Friday is a total blow-off day for just about everyone in every sector. Have fun with it! Double down on the fun and call off work at the last minute!