This week we’re not even going to try to fake it.

1. USOI - $83.97/share, 37.17% return, ex-div 4/19. Oil-based exchanged traded note from Credit Suisse, what could possibly go wrong?!
   
   Nothing. This is Oil. Oil can’t go wrong. And Credit Suisse cannot become insolvent.
   
   This security has always had large fluctuations in price, as well wildly skewed annualized return values. While we do want to remind you to always be skeptical of high yields above 8%, it’s not out of the scope of normalcy to see USOI represented this way on TD Ameritrade.
   

2. WMT - $148.48/share, 1.54% return, ex-div 5/4, options trade weekly. With Wal-Mart aggressively shuttering stores in high-crime neighborhoods, its share price is protected in the short-term. In the mid-term, we fully expect to see it drop. In the long-term, Wal-Mart is a forever stock.

   So why not wait until the dip? We’re looking at this from a long view. When the price drops, we’ll average down whatever we buy now.
   
   Wal-Mart has also raised prices across the board. (And wages).

   Btw, Wal-Marts nationwide are still hiring cashiers and paying a living wage for them. Despite what your drunk grandma tells you, Wal-Mart is not trying to replace all its humans with robots. It takes a very long number of years to ROI on those machines if nothing goes wrong.
   
   The real reason Wal-Mart has no cashiers? Nobody wants to deal with the lowest common denominator of human waste that shops at Wal-Mart. They can’t keep cashiers. But we’re not here to talk about Wal-Mart, we’re here to talk about Weekly Stock Picks.
   

3. PG -$151/share, 2.49% return, ex-div 4/20, options trade weekly. Speaking of the lowest common denominator of human garbage; they usually have bad breath. In the spirit of brushing your mother-loving teeth, let’s buy shares of Procter & Gamble.
   
   They’re big, they’re evil, and they keep your breath fresh.
   

4. JNJ - $165.84/share, 2.73% return, ex-div not announced yet, options trade weekly. Speaking of giant, evil, blue-chip mega-conglomerates that provide health & beauty products…Johnson and Johnson!
   
   Didn’t they dabble in mRNA vaccines that ended up causing widespread heart failure and long-term disability? NO. Theirs got recalled before they could be publicly blamed for anything. That was all Pfizer’s fault, obviously. Now buy yourself some tears-free shampoo.

5. FOX - $30.75/share, 1.63% return, ex-div not yet announced, options trade monthly.
Big? Check.
Evil? Check.
About to go to the moon? Check.

FOX is defending against a lawsuit from Dominion. The media company that brought you X-Files and
Family Guy is being sued by the company that builds voting machines that are easily manipulated in
order to rig elections (while pretending that they’re more secure than paper ballots cast in front of the
a public audience).

It doesn’t matter who wins the legal battle, FOX is going to be crushing it in the ratings!