We here at Rockydennis Presents often are amazed at how often poop is featured in news articles. With “News for Reasonable People” (formerly Seattle Real Estate Podcast) we’re less surprised, given the host/creator/owner’s general demeanor and humor.

When it comes to mainstream news, however, there is no lack of fecal content. Whether it’s Gravitas, CNN, or the Epoch Times, they all have their share of doo-doo coverage. Early this morning in particular we saw a headline asking the question, “Why are so many Americans constipated?”. Given our (attempted) experience with affiliate marketing of poop products, as well as our insanely popular series “Taking a Dump”, we instantly recognized the article as some kind of ad for something akin to Peak Biome.

Our purpose here today is to not just find and promote whatever poop-related offers we can find, but also to provide an answers as to just why so many Americans are constipated. You’d think with all the fast food we eat, it’d be just the opposite. When’s the last time you were constipated after eating Taco Bell? Seriously.

What Does Wikipedia Tell Us About Constipation?

….really? We’re doing Wikipedia? Sure, whatever.

“Bowel movements that are difficult to pass, very firm, or made up of small hard pellets (like those excreted by rabbits) qualify as constipation, even if they occur every day. Constipation is traditionally defined as three or fewer bowel movements per week.”

Hold up, pause. I call BS.

“But Rocky!”, you say, “You copied and pasted without editing. What’s your problem?!”

My problem is, if you’re pooping every couple of days, then it’s probably not that you’re constipated. If we’re going to play this game, we need to establish what kind of baseline diets people are on, what kind of caloric intake, any nutrient deficiencies/over-abundancies, and a host of other important data.

SO, we’re sticking to “I can’t poop!”. You feel it, you try to do it, but it doesn’t happen.

Possible Causes of Not Being Able to Poop

Dehydration
The most dangerous condition to humans, and indeed most forms of life on planet Earth. Unless you’re a tardigrade or a cactus, you need water or you’re far pass f**ked. Pretty much every part of your body can, and will, cease to function correctly (if at all) without proper hydration. This includes your butthole and the systems attached to it.

Low Fiber Intake
Another problem that is easily solved with a balanced and consistent diet. Alternately, you can take fiber supplements. Supplements, however, are not a replacement for sound nutrition. It’s certainly better than being chronically deficient, but it’s not sustainable long-term.

”But Rocky!”, you say, “I don’t eat any grains and I take supplements daily and I feel fine!”.

…when you’re used to feeling like shit, you don’t notice that you feel like shit. This mentality is the same that alcoholics have, the same that fat people have, the same that people who don’t get enough sleep have, the same anyone with an unhealthy habit has.

I’m not going to change your mind, though. The only thing that will change your mind is experiencing being healthy for a decent stretch of time. Ever notice how prison inmates are super jacked despite how awful the food is? Consistent nutrition. Disgusting, under-portioned, half-rotten nutrition. Just imagine what you could do with food that doesn’t suck.

Lack of Exercise

Let’s be honest, nobody is going to start working out just so they can poop. Especially since it won’t take effect overnight (just like proper diet). We all know diet and exercise are the most important factors in your body’s health, and we mostly aren’t going to do either of those things (unless we’re forced to, such as enlisting in the military or going to jail).

I bet you have a job, though. Or at least can get a job. If you get a part-time job working 15-20 hours a week, and that job involves lots of walking (not even picking things up and setting things down, just walking), you’ll get … almost enough exercise. Enough to make a noticeable difference in your overall health and happiness.

People pay all kinds of money for gym memberships, Pelotons, personal trainers, apps…which is stupid. Not to say hitting the gym is a bad thing, but most of us aren’t getting jacked. Hell, most of us skip leg day. So for the average Joe, let’s work smarter by getting PAID to work a little harder.
Pro Tip - Work for UPS in the warehouse. Super intense workout, short shifts. Literally get paid to get buff.

Disease
Jesus Christ, there’s about a million diseases that can cause constipation. We’re not even going to attempt to explain any of these, but here they are (from Wikipedia).

pheochromocytoma, hypercalcemia, hypothyroidism, hyperparathyroidism, porphyria, chronic kidney disease, pan-hypopituitarism, diabetes mellitus, cystic fibrosis, celiac disease, systemic sclerosis, space-occupying lesions within the colon that stop the passage of stool such as colorectal cancer, strictures, rectocele, anal sphincter damage or malformation and post-surgical changes, anismus, descending perineum syndrome, Hirschsprung's disease, Parkinson's disease, pelvic floor dysfunction,
But wait, there’s more!
Chagas disease may cause constipation through the destruction of the myenteric plexus. Further, constipation can be psychological in nature, often in children. Speaking of children, constipation can be congenital as well.

Good God that’s a lot of ways to be constipated.

But Why So Predominant in Americans?

After actually reading the Epoch Times article, we concluded that it is indeed a typical affiliate marketing ad disguised as an article. What’s even better is that we wrote our article before reading theirs, and they compiled theirs in a manner almost identical to ours!

Maybe there’s a future for us in affiliate marketing after all!

There isn’t anything specific to Americans, other than the fact that all of the research and survey data they sourced came from the United States. We did find one section, though, which sort of fits the bill.

2 Other Causes of Constipation: Artificial Sugar and Processed Foods

So basically the same stuff that causes diabetes will cause constipation, got it. It goes on to say,
The United States is the country with the highest sugar intake in the world. and the daily sugar consumption of Americans reached 126 grams in 2014
For comparison, the global average is 34 grams a day (that’s less than one can of Mountain Dew). I wonder if African nations are included in this average?

high-fat content and lack of fiber will slow down the digestion process Okay, but we already covered the fiber thing.

Stress

Makes sense. We’re not reading further into this one. You can if you want, but I think we generally can all agree that too much stress for too long will cause negative side effects.