Poop Polls
Rockydennis Presents “Taking a Dump : IG” has recently started to add intermittent survey questions, quizzes, and “rate your x” interactives.
While this has the obvious benefit of increasing engagement, and therefore reach, it has also revealed some very surprising facts.
“But Rocky!”, you say, interrupting rudely, "Why on Earth would you be asking people questions about pooping?!”. To which I shall respond with a funny picture.
Except when it is in the shower (more on this later).
Let’s just start from the first poll and we’ll go in chronological order. Don’t worry, we haven’t been doing this very long. Calm down.
Poll #1 - From Episode 206, “Do you wash your hands after pooping?”
73% Yes, 27% No. I earnestly believe, (at least I want to believe) that 25% of of respondents are simply contrarian by nature, and that only 2% of people don’t actually wash their hands after pooping.
UNFORTUNATELY, for reasonably-minded people like ourselves, some ladies on TikTok have confirmed that not washing your hands after pooping is disturbingly commonplace.
Quiz from Episode 207, “Andy Williams?”
Possible answers are, “We don’t need to stop here” or “Yes we do! /punch”.
This is a nod to an episode of ‘The Simpsons’ where Martin makes a bunch of money trading soy futures and Bart got a fake ID. They picked up Milhouse and Nelson, rented a car, and went on a road-trip to a now-defunct World’s Fair. On the way they passed by a performance hall where Andy Williams was performing, and we see that Nelson is a huge Andy Williams fan. He punches Bart to force him to stop the car, so that they can watch the show.
He does indeed perform ‘Moon River’, if you’re wondering.
Poop Pain Index , Rating Slider from Episode 209.
The Rockydennis Poop Pain index is about 30%. Surprisingly, the average respondent is at about 75%. This surprising, but may be misconstrued. It’s possible our audience was rating what they perceived our pain level to be. We hope yours isn’t at 75%!
Poll #2 From Episode 211, “Do you poop?”
Yes, 75%, No, 25%. This is where I assume the 25% contranarian rate. After all, everybody poops…right? Except Sung Kim Il. But hell, maybe there really are a lot of people who aren’t pooping. Possible evidence of simulation theory?
Poll #3 From Episode 212, “Do you like dogs?”
Yes 76%, No 24%. We think this is pretty spot-on, to be honest. While dog tolerance is probably in the upper 90’s, a lot of us just don’t care to keep dogs. I personally voted “No”, even though I do kind of enjoy dogs. Just not inside. Or in Wal-Mart. Or on the bus. LEAVE YOUR GODDAMN DOG OUTSIDE. And pick up his poop, please.
Poll #4 From Episode 214, “W-2(Yes) or 1099(No) ?”
Yes/W-2 82%, No/1099 18%. Given this was issued around tax time, we believe the result. We expected a greater proportion of 1099’s, but apparently people are getting back to normal jobs. Or maybe they found out the hard way that 1099 is definitely NOT for everyone. (Thought it can be very lucrative for the right situation, with the proper facts).
Stank Meter , Rating Slider from Episode 217
Rockydennis Presents sits above 90%. Average Response about 70%. Makes sense, poop is stinky.
Poll #5 From Episode 219, “Do you play an instrument?”
Yes 85%, No 15% WOW! Lots of people play instruments. Originally it was closer to 60/40, until someone asked if ‘skin flute’ counts. After confirming that it did, we arrived at our current figure. Either way, that’s more people than we expected that can play an instrument in 2023. (We play French Horn).
Poll #6 From Episode 220, “Does Poop Size Matter in Dating?”
Yes 65%, No 35% This number continues to fluctuate, but this figure feels right. After @nutsackseamstress9 re-posted an article about the importance of a partner’s poop size, I had to crowdsource more input. Generally speaking, though, yes it matters.
Generally speaking, women consider small poops to mean a man isn’t very manly.
Men on the other hand typically don’t care, but give bonus points to women with bigger poops. This is for two reasons. 1- The lulz. and 2. - If she can push out a foot-long with the diameter of a half-dollar, then she can’t really say ‘No’ to going Greek.
How Big is Your Poop? , Rating Slider from Episode 221.
Rockydennis Presents is sitting at a full 100. We have the biggest poop. We won’t share the pics here, but there was a point in time we were putting out consistent 2-footers. Just recently we clogged an uncloggable toilet (The flange sits directly above the sewage-out connect. You can throw a baby down there and it’ll go right through and be the city’s problem.)
Average respondent is 75%.
Poll #7 From Episode 223, “Do you buy Savings Bonds?”
Yes 44%, No 56% - We actually expected far fewer people to be buying Series EE and Series I bonds. We are pleasantly surprised. HOWEVER - Note these figures. It’s about to get weird.
Poll #8 From Episode 225, “Do you poop in the shower”
Yes, 54%, No 46% - A few things here. The above image shows one major issue with shower poops.
Besides that, holy shit, that’s beyond disgusting. Even if it’s a runny poop that goes right down the drain…bro, you’re pooping. It’s going to leave poo residue. It’s going to stink. Have you ever farted in the shower? The hot water makes it 10x worse.
LOOK AT THOSE NUMBERS. Compare them to the Savings Bonds poll. The 2% variance is too small to matter.
Our internal analytics suggest that most of the people answering our surveys are the same people. What this means is that we have a solid example of a direct correlation between purchasing savings bonds and proper bathroom habits.
Now, we aren’t going to hypothesize as to -why- people who poop in the shower don’t purchase savings bonds…no wait, yes we are. They’re uncivilized brutes with low IQs and no meaningful skillsets. (Continue to like, subscribe, and share, though!)
How can we leverage this knowledge to our advantage? Well, in dating, obviously. If you don’t want a partner who poops in the shower, you can’t just ask them directly.
Here’s the thing - you never know who the shower pooper is. You might think mouth-breathing is a dead giveaway, but you’d be unpleasantly surprised to find out that some high-IQ individuals just really enjoy the thrill of pooping (secretly) in the shower.
If you’d like to weed out the shower poopers, without being obvious about it, just asking if they buy savings bonds. If they don’t - Dump them immediately!
You’re welcome.
