Hand Creams
If your hands are consistently sustaining epidermal damage from work, weather, obsessive handwashing, or whatever it is you’re doing (All of the above!), then you’ve likely thought about or even tried hand creams.
“But Rocky!”, you interrupt so rudely, “I can’t afford $20 for 2 ounces of petroleum jelly!”.
…easy there, killer. That’s actually kind of a valid point, though. It seems that most hand creams are just overpriced Vaseline. Matter of fact, it seems like the “top shelf” creams and ointment at Meijer and Wal-Mart are mostly all exactly that. This is probably super profitable for the manufacturers, but it causes a couple of problems.
First off, we can’t be having greasy hands all day everyday. This makes petroleum jelly sort of impractical for keeping our hands and fingers happy and healthy during the work day.
Secondly, this causes us to essentially overlook and disregard the middle-shelf products altogether, assuming they’re just more of the same. If we seek any solution at all, we settle for the cheapest store brand product we can find, which typically is little more than watered-down petroleum jelly. It doesn’t have to be this way.
We have options, people! Affordable options, at that! Over the course of the last 6 months, through careful, calculated, budgeting and aggressive saving schemes, we’ve managed to acquire and test some different creams and lotions to find out what works and what is just greasy bull-poop.
The most expensive one (that we can afford).
This stuff is amazing, providing instant relief you can see and feel. Imagine you were to take crush Senzu Beans into a paste and rub it on your hands. Oh yeah, it’s that good.
We might be able to afford another ounce sometime around 2024, so we use this very sparingly. It’s fantastic stuff and you can’t go wrong. Unfortunately, not even Senzu Beans last forever, and this magical paste will leave a bit of greasy residue for a solid 5+ minutes.
Odds are you’re not going to care, though, since you’re going to be feeling pretty great. Just maybe don’t touch your phone for a little bit.
It’s not a 100% imitation of O’Keefe’s Working Hands, but it’s pretty close.
This stuff is like a third cheaper than O’Keefe’s, which is great because you’re going to need to be applying it daily. At the time of this article, I’ve been doing twice a day-ish for about a week and a half.
The initial result is what you’d expect, underwhelming and residually greasy. Fortunately, your skin absorbs this stuff pretty quick, so you can just rub it in within a minute or two and be good to go. If you’ve got too much excess for your hands to absorb, try rubbing it into your ashy elbows.
Buy a bottle or two every other week. This cream is affordable enough to not have to ration it. It’s good for your feet, as well. Honestly if you apply it on your lunch break, then again before bed, you’ll be good to go all winter long.
For $1.25, what do you really expect?
I found this at the Dollar General…or maybe Dollar Tree. Yeah, Dollar Tree I think. Anyway, I didn’t really expect a whole lot.
Boy what a pleasant surprise when I tried this one out! While not quite the level of immediate relief as you’ll feel with Working Hands, there is practically no residue.
No joke, my hands were ready for finger foods before I even went through the motions of rubbing it all in.
The proposition of 24-hour protection seems highly dubious. Half an hour later my hands just feel basically normal, but less dry. Honestly, that’s ideal for wanting to get right back to my mouse and keyboard.
TLDR
Gold Bond Ultimate - Expensive and Effective
Working Hands Generic Version - Economic option for daily use(s).
Udderly Smooth - Rubs in completely with no residue almost immediately.
I CAN ONLY AFFORD ONE
Gold Bond is immediately out of the question unless you take out a second mortgage, so go with Working Hands if your skin is exposed to dry air or surfactants. (Get Udderly Smooth if you work at a desk.)
