Carbonara

Mystery and misunderstanding seem to surround this dish, at least in America. In this article, I clarify just what the hell is going on, and copy/paste a recipe.. Maybe another picture or two, who knows? Anything can happen from here on out!

But first, it is imperative that I explain my frustration with what people think carbonara is. My job in the wild is in the kitchen of an Italian restaurant. From time to time, I’ll be asked if I can make a carbonara. Over the past 15+ years at this particular establishment, I finally realized that the correct answer is always “no”. If I can’t do it on the fly on a Saturday night, I’m not doing it on a Monday afternoon with all the time in the world. It always turns into that, no matter what it is. A BLT? A Hamburger? Arancini that hasn’t been on the menu in 6 years?

Anyway, what happens next, regardless of how verbose or succinct my “No” response is, is that a conversation ensues. Someone will ask “What’s carbonara?” or, “What are we missing for it? Just the peas?”. Then of course, suddenly everyone is an expert. “It’s basically just alfredo with bacon and peas”.

While you could put peas in it, that doesn’t make it carbonara. And no, there’s no cream involved, so not basically alfredo since the primary ingredient is missing. I understand that restaurants tend to play fast and loose with what they refer to their menu items as….but that doesn’t make it correct.

“But Rocky!”, you interrupt, “Get to it already! What the heck is carbonara?”

It’s basically like Hollandaise, but instead of clarified butter you use pasta water. Used pasta water, full of gluten and starchy goodness.

If you aren’t familiar with Hollandaise, you basically take hot egg yolks, whip ‘em good, and emulsify in clarified butter. There’s various methods to do this, ranging from correct, to half-assed, to just using the powdered stuff that only requires a bit of milk. Point being, Hollandaise = Egg yolks and butter.

Now imagine, if instead of clarified butter, you whisk in the used pasta water instead. Boom, carbonara.

Traditionally speaking, guanciale is part of the preparation/serving. It’s like bacon, but from the jowls instead of the butt. At least I think bacon comes from the butt. Who the hell cares, they’re largely indistinguishable from each other. You can argue otherwise, but come on man,. It’s cured pig meat.

Typically you cook your bacon, I mean guanciale, then remove the meat from the rendered fat. Then you cook your pasta to al dente, then remove it from water and transfer it to the pig grease. Maybe let the things cool down a bit, so that you don’t end up overcooking the pasta before it’s time.

Before I share the first recipe I can find on a Yahoo! search, I want to pre-empt a possible question. If you’re wondering “Well if it’s so simple why doesn’t my local pasta place make it?”. Besides the fact that they’re obviously not particularly prepared for it (restaurants have this thing called a “menu” that shows what they are offering), egg dishes have an extra layer of challenge - you can’t scramble the eggs or you fail.

Besides just the initial preparation and cooking, if your establishment uses heat lamps then you can easily end up with breakfast pasta instead of dinner carbonara. Okay, on with the recipe (with added commentary).

Ingredients

SERVES 4 AS AN APPETIZER OR 2 AS A (GENEROUS) MAIN COURSE

Kosher salt Table salt is fine. As long as it is NaCl, it’s kosher. … er, it’s….IT”S ALL SALT WHO CARES

1 tsp. black peppercorns This actually sort of matters. Black pepper has the most flavor after crushing.

3 oz. guanciale (salt-cured pork jowl) or pancetta (Italian bacon) Or just you know, regular bacon.

Extra-virgin olive oil (for drizzling) If you don’t have EVOO, it’s all good. Just don’t be drizzling canola oil on anything. That’s stupid and doesn’t bring anything to the party.

3 large egg yolks Yes, just the yolk. You can use the shells to separate them from the white. Or your hands. Egg beaters probably work, too.

1 large egg Yes, the whole egg. You want to achieve a 3:1 Yolk:White ratio. Or is it 4:1 ? Shoot, doesn’t really matter. I’d just go with 3:1, but you do you.

⅓ cup finely grated Parmesan, divided This is just being used for garnish, who gives a shit. Buy shaky cheese from Meijer.

⅓cup finely grated Pecorino, divided Same. I wouldn’t blame you for actually doing it right, but I also wouldn’t fault you for just buying shaky cheese and calling it a day.

8oz. rigatoni How does a single serving of pasta serve 4? I call bullshit. IMO this entire recipe serves 1. YMMV

SPECIAL EQUIPMENT

A spice mill or mortar and pestle I had a mortar and pestle. There’s a reason we don’t use them anymore. They do look cool, though. You don’t look cool using it, however.

DUTCH OVEN This one isn’t mentioned in this recipe, but several others utilize it. A pot with a lid will suffice. Or not. Really not a make or break thing, but a good ceramic dutch oven is helpful here.

Preparation

I’m not actually going to go through and commenting on this part. Oh snap, they actually do mention the Dutch oven. Whatevs, have at it.

Step 1

Bring a large pot of lightly salted water to a boil.

Step 2

Meanwhile, toast peppercorns in a medium Dutch oven over medium heat, swirling often, until heated through and fragrant, about 3 minutes. Transfer to spice mill or mortar and pestle and let cool; reserve skillet.

Step 3

Cut guanciale into 1x½x¼" pieces. Arrange in reserved skillet and drizzle with a little oil. Set over medium heat and cook, stirring occasionally, until lightly golden brown and starting to crisp, about 5 minutes (don’t let pieces get too crunchy). Using a slotted spoon, transfer to a small plate.

Step 4

Add about ½ cup hot water from pot to skillet, scraping up brown bits with a wooden spoon. Set skillet aside.

Step 5

Whisk egg yolks, egg, and about three-quarters each of Parmesan and Pecorino in a medium bowl. Coarsely crush peppercorns and add all but a pinch to egg mixture; set remaining pepper aside for serving.

Step 6

As soon as pot of water is at a boil, cook pasta, stirring occasionally, until very, very al dente, about 4 minutes less than package directions.

Step 7

Using a spider or slotted spoon, transfer pasta to skillet with reserved guanciale liquid and set over medium heat (alternatively, scoop out about 2 cups pasta cooking liquid and drain pasta in a colander). Cook pasta, stirring occasionally, until liquid is simmering (you’ll be able to tell because the pasta will be steaming), about 1 minute.

Step 8

Whisking constantly, add about 1 cup pasta cooking liquid to egg mixture to warm it up. Add egg mixture to pasta and cook, tossing constantly, keeping the mixture below a simmer, and adding more pasta cooking liquid by the ½-cupful if needed to adjust the consistency, until sauce thickens just enough to lightly coat pasta, about 5 minutes. Do not rush this step or you risk ending up with a pan of pasta and scrambled eggs. Remove skillet from heat if you want to slow the process down. As soon as you see wisps of steam rising from the egg mixture, that’s a good indication that the sauce is about to go from very liquidy to perfectly thickened. Remove from heat and toss in guanciale.

Step 9

Divide pasta among plates. Top with reserved Parmesan, Pecorino, and pepper.

What a terrible dish. The prep is a pain in the ass, unless you’re in a commercial kitchen.

The execution is super simple, unless you’re in a commercial kitchen.

The cleanup sucks, unless you have a Mexican.

You can’t win for losing here.

IMHO, if you make this for date night, you’ve earned yourself a blumpkin.