Rockydennis Presents “Vegan Stuffed Mushrooms”

In this article we’re going to copy and paste a recipe from the internet and hope that it corresponds to the image presented. We’ll then intersperse our own commentary, call it editing and adding value, log our half hour of “work” as an 8-hour shift, and continue pretending to have real jobs.

But first, let’s examine the image a bit. What do we see? We have what looks to be a button mushroom cap, baked (or roasted or broiled, or in some way cooked) and stuffed with something I am not sure of. Maybe it is vegan cheese. Or perhaps a vegetarian curry. The red is probably tomato or pepper bits, either one would work.

Really what comes to mind about the yellow stuff is like eggs or cheese, but that’s not vegan. Maybe polenta? I don’t know if you could achieve that kind of sheen without using some dairy, though. Oh you know what? It could be whipped potato, like a yukon gold. Let’s see what the internet can tell us.

Okay, so the above image is for Cheesy Vegan Mushrooms. Cheese? Alright, well, here we go.

Cheesy Vegan Mushrooms

Ingredients

• 1 cup of cashews - soak your cashews for at least an hour, drain and rinse them before using..

• 3 tbsp of nutritional yeast - The internet tells us that nutritional yeast has a specifically cheesy flavor.

• juice of 1 lemon - Like, an ounce, if you’re just using the green bottle. If you aren’t sure, err on the side of using less. It’s really more about the acidity than the flavor.

• 1/2 tbsp of garlic powder - You can totally use fresh garlic if you wanted to.

• 3/4 cup of water

• salt & pepper to taste - At the very least you want to use salt. Any kind of salt, it doesn’t matter. The level of saltiness per crystal varies, but beyond that it doesn’t matter.
  
  Nothing brings my piss to a boil like listening to someone claim they can’t use iodized salt for whatever reason they think is real.

• 8-10 baby portobello mushrooms wiped clean with the stems removed. - Any mushroom cap will do. Mature caps that have unfolded to release their spores are actually maybe not the best choice. At the least you’d be layering stuff on the mushroom, not stuffing it.

• 1 cup of artichoke hearts drained and chopped - I use the ones in a glass jar packed in olive oil and herbs - I bet you do. This is maybe a good suggestion. If I’m on a budget, I might opt for just plain artichokes in brine. These guys aren’t super cheap, and I already paid for portabellas. If the oil chokes tastes like butt, we’re going to have a bad time.

• 1/2 cup of sun dried tomatoes chopped - Nice!

• 1 hand full of fresh basil chopped - Boy I sure am glad I can just afford handfuls of basil to chop like a goddamned Neanderthal. All you really need to garnish these bad boys is one of those small plastic 2 oz containers or whatever. They’re like $4, but whatevs.
  
  For the love of God, chiffonade the basil. Or at least cut it nicely into strips or something. Chiffonade is basically like, you roll the leaves like a little cigar, then just slice it thin. It’s also super efficient.
  
  If you can even find larger quantities of basil, then I guess go for it. The price per gram will be cheaper, I would think. You could always mix a bunch of chopped basil in with the cashews.

• 3 tbs of extra virgin olive oil - If you’re like me, and straight out the trailer park, then you’re inevitably going to just use the Meijer cooking oil that’s been in your cupboard for a year and a half. DO NOT DO THIS. Go spend $5 on the world’s smallest volume of EVOO.

Preparation

• Pre-heat your oven to 375*F

• First make the cashew cream by combining the cashews, lemon juice, nutritional yeast, and the water into a blender an blend until smooth. - Totally called it. You could add other stuff, too, if you wanted.

• Add salt and pepper to taste, then transfer to a medium sized bowl. - Well, we already did that, smart guy. But…it’s still a good time to check the totality of the combined flavors.

• Now, add the chopped sun dried tomatoes, artichokes and basil to the bowl with the cashew cream and mix well. - Ohh no, now we have to try some more and make sure it still tastes good. Anything but that.

• Use a spoon to scoop the cream mixture into each of the mushrooms and place them onto a sheet pan or baking dish. - Yeah no kidding. There’s no reason to use your hands like some kind of uncivilized brute.

• Drizzle with extra virgin olive oil. - Seems like we could have oiled the mushrooms by hand prior to stuffing them to ensure the entire surface is coated. Just saying.

• Place the sheet pan into the oven on the middle oven rack and bake for 15-20 minutes.

• Then slightly open the oven door an bake for an additional 5 minutes. This will help eliminate steam and prevent your mushrooms from becoming soggy. - Pro tip.

• Your mushrooms should be tender but still hold their shape. - Alright, alright. You had one good piece of advice, now calm down. We know how we like our mushrooms.

• Garnish with additional basil and enjoy!

I still don’t understand how we’re supposed to achieve a yellow color. I don’t think we are. In fact, I don’t really think the picture is right. At the bottom of the recipe is the same picture again, but also this other picture. They’re literally next to each other. Anyway, this one is more accurate to how our mushrooms look.