Cooking your own meal is perhaps one of the best ways of maintaining mental health. I’m serious. You are in complete control, you get instant gratification, and your opinion is all that matters. No matter what other crap is going on around you, you have a little bubble of space and time that is impervious to outside influences. Even in prisons you’ll find that the more well adjusted/rehabilitate-able inmates are the ones that are “cooking”. It’s not exactly gourmet, but there’s some pretty impressive dishes they come up with.

That’s all well and good, but what if you don’t know what the hell you’re doing? You could try asking your career chef friends for help, but they’re just going to rattle off ingredients and terms that do no good for you, besides making for a confusing and expensive shopping trip. They probably have no interest or desire to physically show you and walk you through your struggling failures to produce anything remotely edible.

It’s not that we think you’re a moron. That part doesn’t bother us. It’s that most of you refuse to listen, which is fine, until you start whining that things didn’t work right. For example, this one time I was asked for help with someone’s alfredo, as they had no heavy cream. They knew you could use Half and Half, but didn’t want to listen to the explanation or follow my instructions. This one is very, very, simple. You have to reduce it. A lot. Person asks, “Why won’t it get thick?” I say, “You need to reduce it more.” Person quickly gets frustrated and snaps back, “I DID! It’s not working!”. Me personally, this is where I give up and let you be miserable in your own intentional failure.

So, now that you understand why nobody wants to help you, it’s time to help you! I’ll keep it simple and non-technical, and unlike your bad friends, I won’t try to make myself feel better about poor life choices by taking the opportunity to act superior to you.

Sauces aren’t complicated. You really only need a few things…

1. Liquid of some kind. Even water works, but that route actually gets slightly trickier. Let’s calm down and stick to something like white wine, chicken stock, tomato juice, milk, gatorade, beer, vodka… Really any kind of suspension (liquid with stuff dissolved into it) will do.

2. Butter. NOT MARGARINE, for god’s sake. There are exceptions and alternatives, and things like roux or slurry can come into play… Screw all of that. You know now that there’s more you can learn about, if you want to, but for our purposes we’re just going to say that Butter is a requirement.

3. Salt. Does it really matter what coarseness or brand you buy? Kind of, yeah. For you, (for us <3), just make sure to have some salt on hand. Whatever kind of salt you would put on your french fries is fine.

4. Everything else is optional. What flavors do you like? Do you want some spicy food? Do you love sage? In the mood for some blueberries? Or you can just stick with flavored butter. Pretty much every sauce you’ve ever had in any restaurant is just flavored butter. (It’s barely more complicated than that). Or in the case of desserts, flavored sugar. We’re not messing with that today, for reasons.

Alright, let’s make ourselves some alfredo!

Step one, go to college and become a genetic engineer in the experimental field of regenerative cloning.

Just kidding, you’re still paying off that debt from your Liberal Arts degree. I feel ya.

Ingredients:

1. Garlic . We’re only making 1 serving, so you need 1 clove or less. The cheapest way is to buy a bulb and crush a clove. The easiest way is to buy a jar of minced garlic. Like $2 for the tiny one.

2. Shallot. Honestly you’ll probably have a hard time finding a single shallot, or pearl onion, etc. Any onion would work, really. They’re cheap and taste great. Or skip it. I don’t care, and neither should you. (But ideally if you have shallots, it’ll make an appreciable differnece).

3. Cream. It can be heavy, it can be Half and Half, it can be skim milk. It can be condensed milk, who cares! Even reconstituted powder milk! The thicker, the better. Heavy cream is sort of expensive, but a lot more cost effective for making cream sauces. (Making your own sauce isn’t actually cost effective, but Prego tastes like shit, so pick your poison).

4. Parmesan. You can use other cheeses, of course, or a combination, but parmesan is what makes it alfredo. I recommend the powdered stuff, because the cellulose used as filler is great for thickening and binding. It doesn’t matter really, but your $3 plastic container of grated parmesan is going to be the cheapest and easiest solution.

Starting with a pre-heated skillet over medium-high heat, drizzle rice bran oil gingerly….Just kidding.

Get a sautee pan. Or a handled pot. I don’t recommend non-stick, because you’re almost guaranteed to screw up the surface when you inevitably end up having to scrub the pan. Also, the black non-stick stuff can flake off (But it won't hurt you, it’s not Teflon even if your “pro chef” friend tells you it is. Teflon is not safe to ingest. This stuff just tastes bad.)

Make the pan hot. Or start cold and apply heat gradually, whatever you’re comfortable with.

Start with a pat of butter (a butter chip) in the pan.

Add your pinch of garlic (and shallot if you have it).

The more the garlic “sweats” and then starts turning brown, the stronger the flavor it will have. If it turns black, you failed. Start over.

When you are happy with your garlic, add your cream. Depending how fat you are, 4 to 6 ounces should be enough. I use a half gallon at a time, but I’m fatter than you.

This is the part that scares people. You’re going to see the cream start to bubble. The water is being boiled out. This is reducing. As you might imagine, it’ll get thicker the more it reduces. If you’re super concerned about the cream boiling over the sides of your pan, sprinkle in some of that good grated parmesan. (The grated parm will prevent the bubbles from getting out of control. It’s the same idea as stirring your finger in beer to mitigate the foam…except this actually works).

Add cheese and another pat or two of butter…at pretty much any point, doesn’t matter. It’s nearly impossible to “break” alfredo (breaking typically occurs when overheating butter, causing the components to separate).

You can also season the sauce at any point. I prefer to do it when sweating the garlic. You can always add more later, but starting early allows you to adjust the other ingredients if you used too much.

So, one more time, Alfredo…

1. Cook garlic and shallot (like, a pinch of each) in a pat of butter.

2. Add 4 ounces of heavy cream. And parmesan. And more butter.

3. Be halfway freaking patient. The rule of thumb for thickness is the sauce’s ability to coat the back of a spoon. It’ll thicken slightly more as it cools off, as well.

4. Enjoy your success. Now cry because we never cooked any pasta.

If you can manage this much, you can start experimenting willy-nilly. Throw in some bell peppers or shitake mushrooms with your garlic, or both. Add an ounce of marinara, or a dollop of pesto. Bacon, gorgonzola, pepperoncini, olives…Whatever you like. At some point you might want to remember the pasta, but maybe by now you don’t care and you just want a small amount of top your Ribeye. Yum!

You’re probably wondering, “Doesn’t Bobby Flay use white wine? Doesn’t Gordon Ramsey use Ostrich stock?”. Yes, you can certainly use these components to impart more flavor to your dish. Typically BEFORE adding cream, for efficiency’s sake. The only actual point of no return is when you start adding cheese or anything else that’s going to thicken the sauce.

Okay, let’s do one more example. Let’s use white wine and chicken stock. Matter of fact, let’s make piccata….Oh. You don’t like lemon? I feel ya. Let’s do a sage-butter sauce. There’s probably a real name for it.

Ingredients :

1. White wine. Doesn’t matter what kind, and you only need like a half ounce. “Never cook with a wine you wouldn’t drink.” This is BS and just an excuse to drink on the job. Emeril Lagassi would tell you that you need a specific brand. You know what? So would I, if I got paid for endorsing products. I do know that the person paying $50 a plate for chicken piccata can’t tell if you even used wine at all, nor do they care (and neither should you).

2. Chicken stock. Broth works, too. If you don’t know where to buy this stuff, it’s only because you never looked for it. Check your soup aisles. Bouillion or base are options but…eh, you probably don’t need help at that point.

3. Sage. Fresh, chopped. Preferably.

4. Butter. Like, a full stick or more.

Really you could use just chicken stock, or just white wine…or any wine. Or vodka. You could also use garlic+shallots for a lot more flavor. I have faith that if you got through the alfredo successfully, you’ll manage the flavors of this sauce just fine..

How-to-Do

1. Get your garlic, shallots, and sage cooking in a small amount of butter. You’ll again use only a pinch or two of each ingredient. Particularly if you’re using dried herbs. Dried herbs are like much more potent than fresh herbs, and take on slightly different flavors. I assume you’re using fresh sage. And salt, obviously. (Always use less dried herbs than you would fresh…or just use more fresh herbs than you would dry).

2. When you start seeing that golden-brown goodness on the garlic again, calm yourself before your excitement gives you an aneurysm. I know, I know, but chill. Go ahead and add your white wine, like a half ounce. No worries about an accidental flambè. It’s just wine. It’s entirely possible to ignite, but you pretty much have to do it intentionally.

3. Add 3 ounces of chicken stock. You can do it with the wine, or after, or before…if you want to be an elitist, you’ll let the wine reduce before adding your stock.

4. Butter. Lots of butter. But it’s not just as simple as letting the butter melt in and stirring occasionally. Well, actually, it can be. This is another one of those things that your line cook neighbor will go on and on about how easy it is to break the sauce and how specific you need to be….he’s just mad that he breaks his sauces on a regular basis. Throw him a bone, he only makes $20,000 a year.

   You’re going to want to let the stock reduce down quite a bit, and it may even seem almost pointless. It’ll be noticeably darker and almost imperceivably thicker. At this point you can reduce your heat a bit. Add in a pat of butter at a time, to start.

   What you want to do is melt the butter and incorporate it into the stock while maintaining the temperature of the liquid in your pan. As long as you feel in control of the heat itself, you don’t need to care about “What if” scenarios.

   After a couple or three pats of butter, you’ll now have a nice “base”. It’s no longer stock with butter being added. Now you can start adding more butter more quickly. You’ve essentially stabilized the sauce. There isn’t much limit to how much better to add, just remember that what goes in has to come back out eventually. (Lots of butter can make for an uncomfortable poop).

   I couldn’t find a better picture on the first page of results on Yahoo! images. Almost all the sauces shown are broken or so loose and thin as to be unappealing. This isn’t really “wrong”, per se, but it is bullshit. (If you overcharge enough for it, and it looks pretty, people assume it’s worth buying). If you’re really struggling with your sauce breaking, roll a few pats of butter in flour. Make sure to give the flour time to cook and thicken before adding more, or you’ll end up with a chalky, yet delicious, substance.

   If you look up Sage Brown Butter sauce., you get pictures of slightly burnt butter with sage in it. That’s a real thing. You’ll pay between $18 and $42 on average, depending on your locale.

So, let’s review the Sage Butter Sauce one more time..

1. Sweat garlic/shallot/sage, also add salt, please.

2. Splash of white wine, cup of stock. Reduce ‘em.

3. Star in small amounts of butter at a time to form a base.

4. Add more butter. Stirring is necessary. I like using a fork to just kinda guide the butter in circles, and I don’t have to dirty my tiny whisk.

5. Feel good about your success. Regret not also purchasing chicken breasts.

What a day we’ve had! It seemed like repetitive, boring, crap with no payoff and then BAM! We now have two pans of delicious sauces to do with whatever we please! And we’re now more qualified than half of the foodservice industry! Add Novice Saucièr to your resume!

One more final review.

Alfredo - Garlic+shallots, heavy cream, parmesan cheese. Simmer to perfection.

Basic Butter Sauce - Reduced stock, garlic+shallots, fresh herb(s), butter. More butter.

Extra Credit - Shaky cheese can pop the bubbles in boiling cream to prevent boiling over.

Extra Credit 2 - Burre maniè (the butter rolled in flour) will thicken and bind sauces, eliminating the issue of “breaking”.

Technical Fun Fact - Just adding flour directly into the dish doesn’t work well. Go ahead and try it out, you’ll see the difference.

Chef Hassan Musselmani says,